the painful end of self-delusion

Posted: March 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

I never had a clue how much you had to forgive me to make our friendship work.

I was so oblivious.  I thought I was doing you such a favour, being your friend.  Of course, I did everything that I could to never let on… I treated you well, and legitimately loved you.

but the idea that you might have something to offer me!?  I found the concept laughable.

After all–I was so much better than you.  Smarter, prettier, funnier, more popular.  I had more value to this world.  I was better at everything…

 

Pretty disgusting, eh?

 

no… I never admitted it… not even to myself.

but last night… I was thinking about you again.  I’ve been doing that a lot more lately.  I wondered how it could be that such a good friend has faded into the background of my life..  I can’t even remember the last time we talked.  I wondered how you are doing.  I wondered how you feel about me.  The last time we saw eachother-as best as I can recall-was amiable.

or was it?

and I realized, painfully, overwhelmingly, how I assessed and assigned value to you.  How thoughtlessly caught up in the gravitational pull of the center of my universe–me–I was.  How my selfish blindness had consumed me.

Had I hurt you the last time we spoke?

Do you know you were my only friend with the insight and bravery to warn me when I was in a relationship that you saw turning sour?

I’m so sorry that I resented your concern.

And now I wonder, over and over… just how rotten was I–really–to you?  how much did I hurt you while i thought I was magnanimously “befriending the lowly”!!?

I miss you.

And I wonder if we simply grew apart naturally–as I had thought for so long–or if i have been oblivious to hurting you, and causing the rift in our relationship.

but one way or the other, it is not hard to suspect that the pain I caused you on an ongoing basis within our relationship undoubtedly does nothing to instill within you a desire to regain our friendship.

I am so sorry.

I didn’t realize what I had.  I mistreated you.  I was so selfish, so vain, and so self-deluded.  And now I have lost you.

 

what a dangerous thing we do when we assess and assign value arbitrarily to one another.  Bad enough that we dehumanize those we judge in the process. . . but do we realize just how incredibly much we are robbing ourSELVES of our own humanity in the process?   How-when we judge those around us-we set ourselves up as better than them-superior enough to have the power to judge them, and to set ourselves up with the power to judge another human, is to set ourselves above humanity… and in so doing, we take something away from our own humanity as well.

So I’m sitting here today… in a calm sort of brokenness. . . an a dark sorrow is sitting across from me-where you used to be.

I’m so sorry.

What glorious mercy, that Christ does not abandon me in my stubborn pride, but graciously, tenderly sits beside me, and gently, firmly, whispers to me, “so-don’t you think you were a bit proud just there..?”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s